Growing up I was very closed minded. I thought every household consisted of a mom and dad and children. I thought every family sat at the table and ate dinner together. I thought every family loved one another. I even thought shows like Family Matters, The Cosby Show, and the Jeffersons were real families. I was very naive one would say.
It wasn’t until I got older and started meeting new people that I realized not every household was like mine. Not everyone had two parents at home, not everyone sat at the table together, not everyone loved one another, and that they were all just actors. It made me sad because I didn’t understand.
That sadness turned into causing a lot of biases. Those biases turned into unintentional judgements. Those unintentional judgements turned into me being very narrow minded. So I had to expand. I had to grow. I had to explore. I had to experience life.
And so I did. At times it was hard for me to comprehend certain things but as God opened my eyes to certain things; life started to make more sense.
No matter how much bad I saw; I still saw the good in a person. I still do. I didn’t hold ones mistakes against them and I’m thankful God doesn’t condemn me for my wrongdoings. He loves unconditionally. He forgives and He shows grace.
Then one day you wake up and things are different. Your life is different, your family composition is different, the way you learn is different, the way you worship is different, the way you communicate is different, then you find out you are different.
It can be quite frightening!
Psalm 139:23-24 says: Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
This weekend I sat and had a lot of time to myself. I had time to think and analyze my life. I looked in the mirror and I started to not recognize myself.
Sometimes we get so caught up in life, we don’t take time to look in the mirror. We don’t take time to speak life over us and speak words of affirmation. We forget how to love ourselves in the midst of loving others. We live with our kids, our spouse, our loved ones, our friends in mind- but often times forget what it means to live for self.
I’ve never thought of myself as a selfish person but I’ve learned through a trying experience that I have to take time to groom myself, love on self, and take time out for Whitnee’. I ran into a beautiful queen over the weekend and she smiled so radiantly as she spoke boldly and professed the importance of self care. I’m not talking about just physical self care which I have no problem with; I’m talking about mental self care and emotional self care.
Sunday I was able to meditate on the word of God and spend some much needed spiritual self care time. I was able to see the encouraging posts that so many beautiful people share on Instagram and Pinterest and it gave me a sense of peace because God spoke so clearly through many things I laid my eyes on. Then I received confirmation from a dear sister when she said, no one can replace me if something were to happen to me. She was right, if I’m not in the best health mentally, physically, emotionally how can I be any good to anyone else?
So as I continue to internalize how my life has changed I’m eager to spend more time loving on Whitnee’.
God is so good to us. He allows us to bring our inner most darkest feelings to Him and He brings such peace and understanding.
If you have woken up and looking in the mirror and can’t recognize yourself I would encourage you to spend more time loving on yourself. A word of advice: don’t pour out all of your love; leave some for self. Most importantly remember the most important relationship is your relationship with God. When all else is said and done He is the one constant in an ever changing world.
I know the title is search me Lord because that’s what I did. I had to ask God to remove any evil thoughts or anything that is not pleasing to Him. I had to confess my sins and ask for His forgiveness. I had to remember my self worth.
I’ve got a new attitude and I’m loving it. 2021 here I AM AND I’M GOING TO WALK IN GOD’S PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE. You ain’t seen nothing yet; the best is yet to come!
My favorite show was called 7th Heaven. I loved that show because the family showed love in what ever situation arise no matter the circumstances. Everything was done in love. In one particular episode one of the sister’s started her menstrual cycle. She told her mom and they went to to store. She explained everything to her and it was done in love. The mom told the father who wanted to make the daughter feel comfortable so the family went out to eat to celebrate the daughter’s maturity change. I thought this was awesome. A celebration for that? My grandmother never talked to me about that nor did my aunt or cousins. I was talk by a sex education class at school…and then when I received my cycle at an early age, I was given pads, never told how to put on, nothing about the size or anything. I just learned the dos and don’ts on my own. I grew up wanting to be one of the characters on 7th Heaven, to be in their family, wanting to be loved like they were loved. I wanted a father and mother in same house hold. I wanted all my brothers and sisters under the same roof. I wanted to talk about things, not argue or yell or get cussed out. I wanted the love that they had. BUT. At that age, TV is just what it is TV; to entertain, to keep you watching. Of course everyone wants what they don’t have. I had the love of One Strong Praying Grandmother Florence Brown. I believe her praying for me is what kept me going. Her coming to what school functions she could is what gave me the joy to see her face light up and smile when I was receiving an award and she looking at me with such pride. I know I am who I am because of her. Those gospel hymns and gospel music that’s all rooted in me is because of her, my spirit of conviction, to do the right thing is because of her, The slow to react, to let things go, is because of her. I wasn’t good at it at first, but Egypt wasn’t built in one day. So when I look in the mirror, I know I am not perfect, I know I am still a work in progress, But I know that I am child of God and his love for me is all the love that I will ever need.
Amen amen and amen. It sounds like though you didn’t have the “picture perfect” family you have everything you needed to be the wonderful person you are today. Thank God for the strength of Hunn and for the wisdom she left you before departing this place.