Whitnee's journey with Christ

I was on the phone the other day with a friend while trying to figure out exactly what I was going to do for my birthday. At the moment there were so many different ideas in my head but due to lack of planning, my wants seemed simply impossible. I made the comment, “sometimes I just want someone to pour into me for a change.” Her response was, “buddy you have to pour into yourself.”

And then the light bulb went off in my head…..

So I asked myself, “How can I pour from an empty cup?” Since my mom passed I have dealt with an abundance of emotion. Although I lost my dad 14 years ago, I didn’t know the pain of loosing a mother. My feelings were totally different, my emotions often ran rampant, my heart felt like it had been shattered.

Not knowing from day to day how hard it would be to face my fears, to address the “elephant in the room,” confront the enemy; all while trying to work full time, be a wife, be a mother, be a friend, a sister, and be everything and everyone folks needed me to be. I lost control of Whitnee’. I lost control of how to be Whitnee’. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognize myself. It’s like I had gone to the ATM to withdraw money and my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual “bank accounts” were in the negative.

I was beginning to spiral out of control. I refused help because I didn’t think I needed help. I was taught to take it to God and I’ve always tried to “counsel” others and was ashamed to tell someone I think I am the one who needed the counseling. I tried so hard to help “fix” other people while I was damaging myself. I felt helpless and was starting to crack at the seams.

It felt so phony telling people, “I’m fine, how are you?” Knowing I wasn’t fine. But no one seemed to see my hurt, no one seemed to see my pain, no one seemed to see my brokenness. I hid it well in my opinion. I didn’t want my “black to crack!” I didn’t want anyone judging my connection to God, telling me how to mourn the loss of my mother, how to feel, how to think, how to live, I didn’t want any pity. I just wanted time, and time is something I couldn’t get back. So I had to learn how to adapt. I had to learn how to “give myself some grace.”

You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. You therefore must endure in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier. And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer must be first to partake of the crops. Consider what I say, and may the Lord give you understanding in all things. Remember that Jesus Christ, of the seed of David, was raised from the dead according to my gospel, for which I suffer trouble as an evildoer, even to the point of chains; but the word of God is not chained. Therefore I endure all things for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. 
This is a faithful saying:
For if we died with Him,
We shall also live with Him.
If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him.
If we deny Him,
He also will deny us.
If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:1-13

I thought I had the self care stuff down pack but little did I realize keeping my hair and nails done did nothing for my mental and spiritual being. How and why would I care about being pretty on the outside if I felt so broken, run down, empty, and ugly on the inside?!

I knew I was uniquely and wonderfully made. I knew I was a Beloved Child of God. I knew God was with me. I knew God could be my mother and father. I knew He loved me BUT I could not shake the feeling of pure emptiness. I was longing for something I couldn’t find at the bottom of a wine bottle, the French fries, the ice cream, or any place I looked. I was looking in all the wrong places. I knew the Word to be true but it was not clicking and it’s like my heart, my mind, and my thoughts were fighting with each other.

Thinking I would be ridiculed, I shunned any thought of weakness. I didn’t want to be selfish and take away from anyone, I didn’t want to be a burden. Boy have I been a silly rabbit!

So now that I have aired my “dirty laundry” and the “cat is out of the bag” per say here is where God’s word truly resonated within my heart: God is allowing me to use these feelings, these raw emotions to get me out of my comfort zone to try and minister to someone who is still going through. By surrendering to God and keeping it real with myself (who was I fooling) I feel so free. The very things I was afraid and ashamed to share, are the very thing that is setting me free!

As I draw nearer to God, He is giving me the strength to be courageous and bold again for Him. I feel like I can begin trying to spread the Good News through my journey in Christ, and I can start fulfilling His purpose in my life again.

Yes I went through a rough patch, and probably will still have some trying days (as I know everyday won’t be peaches and roses) but I know that God will use every bit of it for His glory and I’m so grateful that in the midst of my brokenness God saw me worthy enough to use me. I’m so unworthy but He loves me IN SPITE OF MY FAULTS. He loves me even though I’m a sinner, a back slider, I’ve short changed Him, I stopped reading daily for a while…BUT I NEVER STOPPED PRAISING HIM! I never stopped thanking Him anyhow. I never stopped loving Him even when I couldn’t love myself.

Sounds familiar anyone?

Just as Paul encouraged Timothy to be strong in the grace of Jesus, this morning I too want to encourage you. And while I encourage you I meditate on this very passage of scripture (2 Timothy 2:1-13). It’s by God’s strength and only His alone that we can get strong.

My brothers and sisters so many of us are at war within ourselves, we are fitting the enemy, we are fighting with our spouses, our siblings, or our friends. The enemy wants us in disarray. He wants us at each other’s necks. We must fight this spiritual battle like soldiers. We are fighting in a war and we are apart of God’s army. Like myself, some of us may have gotten our body armor dirty. It’s time for a spiritual cleanse. Fast if you have to. Pray without ceasing. Ask God to cleanse you from the inside out. Seek spiritual growth and understanding. Trust Christ. Feed your spiritual while taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical.

Truly LOVE YOURSELF AS YOU LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR. Redefine what we are taught as Christians: Love God first, others second, and yourself last. Allow Christ to pour into YOU and Fill your cup while you do for others and Christ BUT DO NOT DEPRIVE YOURSELF! Find a healthy balance. Don’t feel selfish for taking care of self. (I am talking to myself on this one).

I want to challenge each person reading today’s message to begin filling your cup from the inside out. Take care of mind, body, and soul. Be gentle with your heart. Show yourself grace.

I want to list some takeaways from today’s message:

• It is time to make daily deposits into our mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional “bank accounts”
• Show yourself some grace
• Seek God and give thanks in all things
• Allow God to fight for you
• Remember He does not put more on us than we can bear
• Pray without ceasing
• Continue to fulfill God’s purpose for your life through your trials and hardships
• Take some time alone by yourself and take the time you need to heal. Don’t allow others to determine how you heal. That is not for man to decide
• Remember in the book of Genesis that even Jesus rested after He was finished with all of His work
• Take all the time you need to “recharge your batteries” so you can be of service to Christ
• LOVE GOD, LOVE OTHERS, LOVE YOURSELF

Be blessed my brothers and sisters. Take care of yourselves.