Whitnee's journey with Christ

I sit speechless as I think back one year ago to the exact date. My mom entered into Heavens gate and finally got the healing God had for her. It was the day life changed forever. Not knowing how to feel, what words to say, if it is okay to cry, scream, or just be. I remain silent in honor of what this day means to many- and what this day truly means to me.

Over the past year I’ve had many ups and downs. Haven’t we all? I’ve felt lost, helpless, lonely, scared, guilty, insecure, ashamed, battered and bruised, confused, broken, torn, and parentless. Often times I tried to hide the hole that was left the day I walked in to find my moms lifeless body lying there at such peace. I tried to cover the scars up that left me mentally and emotionally wounded. I’ve tried many things.

It was at those moments I tried and failed that I realized it was time to stop trying and learn how to just be. You see I’ve never learned an easy way to adapt to change. I admit over the years I’ve become complacent in many areas of my life, often ignoring the warning signs or road blocks, but too stubborn to change my course of action. It’s not until moments like this where God forces me out of my position, that I decide to move. Yes, I’ve also learned I can be quite the stubborn little thing also. (I’m sure some of you already knew this about me!)

On yesterday the most amazing thing happened to me that made me look at life through “a different lense.” As I took advantage of some self care time , I sat in silence with all the weight of my emotions on my shoulders. I had no outlet at the time because I wasn’t alone- but in time it came out. And it came out in the most beautiful way (keep reading).

God’s word has kept me grounded and been a solid foundation when my moments of overthinking and overload of emotions had me wandering.

The way I tried to mourn my moms loss was not the healthiest way for me- I tried to keep silent thinking it was better for everyone this way. But how did God get the glory in that? I was shut up in my feelings not releasing things that could have encouraged someone else. Not just in regards to the lost of a loved on, but life in general.

Writing has become a positive outlet for me over the last 7 years and though I had written all of my life, it wasn’t until 7 years ago that I realized how much healing it provided. It has been such a humbling experience to see how God can turn raw pain into pure joy just by being open and honest and staying true to Whitnee’. I don’t have to run and hide when I write, I can let it all hang out.

I realized that the inability to write was the devils attempt to silence what God had put in me to share with others. He used my grieving to cloud my judgement and loose focus instead of using it to glorify God. If only I could have seen his tricks months ago…but then I look and realize God makes no mistakes. Everything happens for a reason and for that I don’t have regrets. I now know how to channel my thoughts while keeping my eyes focused on Jesus.

My testimony to those reading today’s message is don’t get so caught up in “the now”, “the what if’s”, the “should of, could of, and would of”, and most importantly don’t loose sight of God. Don’t ever take your eyes or mind off of Him. God desires to have a deeper and more intimate relationship with each of His children, He never stops pursuing any of His children.

“For the Lord will not forsake His people, for His great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you His people.”

1 Samuel 12:22

God had been reaching His hands out and I was too blind to see. God used so many of you to help me hold on to the little bit of sanity I still had. When I say sanity I don’t use that word lightly, God used YOU to help me stay true to what is real verses what my insecurities led me to believe.

On yesterday after my hair apt I came home and felt like I was in a daze. Our female dog Coco was pregnant and seemed to be in distress. Make a long story short- I found peace through witnessing her deliver her puppies. All of the emotions I had, I held onto for a year since my mom began her transition to her Heavenly home all seemed to make sense. I felt a burden had been lifted and I could think clearly. I could finally see the light.

I spent the last hour and a half describing to Rico what I wish to sum up to those reading today’s message in just a few sentences.

Semper Fi is the Latin word that means Always Faithful! The God I serve is Always Faithful! The lyrics to the song “He could have let me drown” are speaking so much to me right now because truly God could have let me drown in my emotions, He could have let me drown in sin, He could have tossed me out in the middle of the sea and left me there but He didn’t! He never left me nor forsaken me.

The Marines adopted the Latin phrase Semper Fi, this particular branch were known for leaving no man behind. Isn’t that our God! He has never left us!

Though my emotions had me thinking I wasn’t worthy, over the last few months I realize I am still on God’s team. He can use me even in my imperfect ways. He has been using me even in the midst of my grief- I was just too blind to see it. I could see no good in me and felt worthless but God saw different. In the heat of the battle, God used my husband to show me I am still fighting on the same team, and I received the confidence I so longed for to get back on course and continue to fight the good fight of faith.

No matter what one faces, we never know what one fights on the inside. We never know the mental anguish one could be experiencing because so often us christian folks don’t want to talk about it. Mental health is important. Being in good mental health is necessary for a sound mind.

I’ve been in agony for almost a year but on the anniversary of my moms home going I see things more clearly then I might have ever seen before! I’m not ashamed to admit it and I pray you don’t judge me for telling the truth. I’m okay to admit I wasn’t always okay, I’m not as “put together” as many may think, I’m not strong but I know where my strength comes from, I’m not perfect but I serve a perfect God, I’m a sinner but I serve a God who forgives me of my sin. Knowing God and desiring a deeper relationship with Him is all the wisdom I need. My purpose is to serve God in all ways, thank Him in all things, and praise Him until the day I join my mommy and daddy in Heaven.

Folks sorrow may come in the midnight hour BUT JOY COMETH IN THE MORNING. What I was ashamed to put words to no longer hold me captive.

Though I felt lost- God never left me and He had his hand in my life. Though I felt helpless, Jesus has always been my Help. Though I felt lonely, I was never alone because God never left me. Though I was scared after my momma died, God has given me peace. Though I felt guilty, God has forgiven me and I finally learned how to forgive myself. Though I felt insecure, I found security in God’s love for me. Though I was ashamed, God will use my story to encourage someone who might be mentally tormented right now. Though I was battered and bruised, God is still painting my picture and He will make a masterpiece. Though I was confused, I’m thinking clearly. Though I’ve been broken, God is mending me and putting me back together again. Though I’ve felt torn, God is whole and He is ever present when I need help. And though I’m without a mommy and daddy on earth, their legacy of remaining faithful and keeping God as the head of my life never left me and provides comfort when the enemy tries to steal my joy.

You see God has renewed my strength and He has wiped away my tears of sorrow and gave me a new song in my heart. He has given me peace that surpasses all understanding. He has held me while I’ve been down and He is giving me strength to continue to fight this spiritual battle. God is good all the time, and all the time my God is good.

If you don’t get but one thing out of today’s message, understand this one thing- God is Always Faithful.

In closing, I encourage each of us to keep our eyes on Christ. No matter how things look or seem God is able and He cares.

Semper Fi! Remain FAITHFUL AND ALWAYS HAVE HOPE IN THE GOD WHO IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL!