Whitnee's journey with Christ

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.
Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.
Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind. 

Philippians 3:12-16

Ma as I passed by your old stomping grounds Building 5008, affectionally known as Hope House, I marvel at how the name of the building you worked at for years is something you provided to so many you encountered- HOPE. I pondered tirelessly trying to figure out how I would honor you on this day; a day that you answered God’s call to return home to your eternal resting place. A place where there would be no more cancer, no more feeding tube, no more choice of Vanilla or strawberry Ensure, no more trachea, or inner valve, or none of that stuff. No more pain, no more worries, no more suffering in silence, no more struggles. Because I think of the celebration you have on a daily basis in Heaven with Daddy, Megan, grandma, granddaddy, Uncle George, Uncle Junior, Bre and Aunt Bell, Sister, Aunt Croach, and all of our family and friends who went on to be the Lord I can’t sit here and cry tears of sorrow; I can only thank God that He healed you and made you whole again. It’s been a long, hard five years without you but Regis and I are pressing on. Rico, Michelle, and your grandbabies are marching on!

Sunday past made 5 years that we became home owners. I remember how excited I was to finally be able to sign on the dotted line! I remember how supportive you were and often encouraged me to stay focused when I got frustrated or disappointed when a house we fell in love with sold before we could place the bid or the seller wanted way above the asking price. Back then there were so many obstacles and trying to be present for every appointment, the trips back and fourth to MUSC in Charleston, and all of that started to slow down when we got the keys to our home on March 1, 2021. I remember talking over the layout of the house and I remember you asking me, “which room am I going in?” I pause in silence remembering the look on your face. Momma on the eve of Wednesday, March 3, 2021 it is my believe that you heard God calling you and that you decided it was time to trade your room in our new home for your mansion up in the sky!

I think of all the times I wanted to take you by the house to see it from the outside before we got our keys but you would say, “No, just take me home I’ll see it later.” I think of the day we got the keys and came back to the house…we came to pick the kids up but you didn’t want to ride. Momma I’ll never know the answer but I wonder if you knew that the place where new memories would be created and where I could finally settle down and make a place to call home for my boys….you wouldn’t be with us. But I Clare, a few days after I got up the courage to go home leaving the house I called home for MANY YEARS so Regis would have a place he wouldn’t have to struggle (a sacrifice I made in your honor because I knew life would be hard without you) I heard footsteps and saw a shadow leave my bedroom. It was a feeling of warm embrace and peace that I had felt before but this was more gentle and calming. Almost daily after God called you home I would see a Ladybug 🐞 which reminds me of you significantly! You remember the days we would clean NST together and how the front windows by the piano and the choir stand would be full of lady bugs?!

It took over two years for me to walk into the room that would have been yours at home Momma. I left the door shut because I knew behind it I would never see your smiling face or hear the tv turned up so loud that the neighbors could hear. I think you used to do that on purpose to get on my nerves because you knew after you went to the hearing doctor and it was discovered you were just playing deaf…you did not have to have the tv so loud lol!

And as I reflected on Sunday and made the decision to worship from home, enjoying the gentle quietness and honoring God and thanking Him for allowing homeownership to be possible as I tuned into FB to watch the service online, I heard my Pastors announcement. Shortly after midnight on Sunday morning, his mother got called home. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks and like you Momma, God brought healing to her body on the other side. Fighting through tears, Pastor Steven said that his mom prayed over him on Saturday and asked God to help him have the strength to march on. Momma he mentioned that that prayer was shortly after 1pm on Saturday. While I was on the phone with Faith finalizing plans for the upcoming Youth Sunday, roughly around 130pm, I stopped Faith in her tracks and urged her to pray. I told her I had a great sense that we needed to stop and pray for Pastor Steven and his mom; and so we did. And so when I heard his announcement of her passing on Sunday morning, I was at a loss for words.

I told the kids hurry up and get dressed (they were all prepared and had been waiting on me) so we could hurry up and get to church. I was frantic, all I wanted to do was get to church and give him a big hug. As I type this letter to you Momma I know the pain that he felt, I’ve cried the tears that he is crying, and I’ve felt the emptiness that God has allowed precious memories of you and stories of your life, love, and legacy that are shared by many to help fill that space left when God called you home on March 4, 2021.

Momma I’m not going to lie, it hurts like HELL, writing to you verses just coming up the stairs and talking to you but I am comforted by Pastor Steven’s message on Sunday and I am comforted by God’s word knowing that one day I’ll see you again when I march up Heavens steps and walk the streets of gold. What a great reunion that will be! Until that day Momma, help me to march on!

The neatest thing happened this morning and I want to share it with you. This is the message I sent out this morning in hopes of encouraging my friends:

Momma since you’ve passed I’ve had the privilege to see just how awesome your friends are. I’ve tried to stay connected to many of them whom I remember growing up or those I’ve kept in contact with since I would give daily reports on your progress when you were in the hospital. For example I talked to Mrs. Wanda this morning and told her I’ll be moving two doors down from Hope House and she teared up as she reflected on the days were there. Or like the conversation I had with Mrs. Rembert last week when she reflected on the love and admiration you share for one another. Or even as I sent words of encouragement to Pastor Steven this morning and he reflected on what a treasure you were! Momma even Lovely remembered your inner and outer beauty and how you love continues to live on. I thank God for these people and how they too help me to march on. I thank God for the people in Pastor Stevens life that will help him with God’s strength to march on!

The message I sent earlier pays homage to folks like you Momma! I thank God for the gift of having you as a Mom; even when I was too young and dumb to see much of an Angel you were, I bless God because when He created you, He created a BRIGHT LIGHT for the world. And even in your passing Momma, your light still shines brightly! After time I walk into Dolly’s House and I walk to wear your dress is displayed on the mannequin I smile!

God knew I would feel alone and lost without you and He allowed me to have a bond with someone I call second mama, and Momma our bond is unbreakable. Though I don’t look like her or didn’t come from her; she loves me so much! The days when I just didn’t want to do this anymore, God would give me a word from the Lord through her. And Momma don’t let me get started on the sweetest sister in the world! Momma I just love her! In my child like voice I ask, “Ma, can we keep her!” I often wonder if Megan and I would be on the same 🌊 like she and I? Though our blood doesn’t connect us- our love for God and His blessed creation has blessed me beyond words. And then there is the old school crew like Jasmine, Faith, Jamika, and many others that keep me grounded in their own unique ways.

The writer this morning said, “God is intentional with the people He intertwines in your story.” Momma I wonder did you have to leave me before I realized this? Did you really have to go for me to grow in areas I once was weak? Did you have to go so soon so relationships where love had died be revived over time? While I wonder, I’m grateful for the people who arrived with gentleness and helped me to see the peace before the storm.

Momma as I march on, I’m in the season like the writer said, “Lord, now I see why.” As I reflect and think about life without you mom I must ask God to give me the peace that surpasses all understanding daily so I can be present for those whose mourning is fresh like Wesley and Pastor Steven. I have to use the years without you and how I’ve learned how to cope as I press on to be able to pray the prayer for them like Pastor Stevens mother prayed over her precious son- Lord help _______ to have the strength to march on.

I believe when Regis came to your bedside a day or two before your passing, he was standing on Holy ground. And in those precious moments he surrendered to God in front of you. Momma I knew you held on as long as you could to witness that day. I’m sure as a Momma you wanted to make sure your son and daughter would be okay. Sometimes it gets hard, but we are okay and we will be okay because of what you and Daddy instilled in us. The Bible teaches us that no matter what the circumstances are, like the Apostle Paul, we can’t settle for what was. We look forward to what is and what is to come because we know in Christ there is always more to be discovered. With each new day we see His brand new mercies and we see His hand in everything and it helps us march on or press on like Ephesians 3:13 says.

I had been sitting on this song since last week and it was meant for me to reflect over a week now on these words:

Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' down to freedom land

Ain't gonna let segregation turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let segregation turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Ain't gonna let no Jim Crow turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let no Jim Crow turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Ain't gonna let racism turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let racism turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Ain't gonna let no hatred turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let no hatred turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land


Ain't gonna let injustice turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let injustice turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Ain't gonna let no jail cell turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let no jail cell turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
Turn me around, turn me around
Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around
I'm gonna keep on a-walkin', keep on a-talkin'
Marchin' up to freedom's land

Momma I can’t let you or Daddy’s death stop what God is still doing in and through me. I know you all would not want that and He doesn’t want that. I can’t let this struggle turn me around. I cannot let these haters and naysayers turn me around. I cannot let my shortcomings or my faults to turn me around. No Momma I’m gonna keep on a walkin, keep on a talkin, and I’m going to keep marching on until I reach the freedom land.

In closing Momma, with each passing day I love you more and more. I cherish the bright light you were in my life and the bright light you were to many others who knew and loved you. Give Daddy a kiss for me and tell him I’ll see him one great morning but until that day comes Momma- can you and Daddy please keep watch over me and help me have strength to keep marching on.

I love you Momma!