Whitnee's journey with Christ

It’s been 3 months, 25 days, and 29 seconds since I found my mom breathless in bed. It was the moment the Earth stood still in my world. It was the moment I felt helpless, lost, afraid, shattered, and for a while totally devastated.

You ever had an experience in life that you thought was just a horrible dream? Ever thought maybe if someone would just pinch you, you would wake up and realize what you thought was real, was just a big misunderstanding and soon you would “go back to normal.” In this case “normal” has never looked so different. I never thought normal would be moving on without my mom.

You see God was so gracious to answer a childhood prayer of mine. I’d prayed since about the age of 13 or 14 to be able to one day take care of my mom if she ever got sick again. At the age of 13 or 14 I prayed that prayer but it didn’t cross my mind that maybe, just maybe she would succumb to her illness. As a child you think your parents are super heroes. They don’t die right?!!

Loosing my daddy 14 years ago felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. I’d never felt a pain so great. But then on March 4, 2021 God called my mom home. At the time it felt like someone ripped my heart out. I couldn’t breathe!

Logically I know what the Bible says and I know what I’ve been taught- I know how I’ve been conditioned to think. I know a parent never wants to bury their child but what child wants to bury both parents? I asked when my daddy died to not allow me to have to go through that pain again- He didn’t answer that prayer. Selfishly speaking I didn’t want to feel alone.

I mean I know I have my husband, my children, my brother, my aunts, uncle, cousins, family, and friends- but in the moment I felt like I had no one. For 33 days straight it was just my mom and I sitting in the hospital room and it became my new norm. My focus had shifted from being a wife and mother to being a daughter and a caregiver.

I was always a daddy’s girl- even after death my heart belonged to my daddy. And then God blessed me to be able to spend more time with my mom- most of the time it was running by the Store of Hope, making food runs, shopping together, Rico lifting something heavy for my mom, or something of the sort- but we spent more time together. I used to call my mom Mrs. Scrooge (an inside joke) but I got to see the kind, loving, big-hearted, bubbly, godly, beautiful, glorious woman she was all along. I admit i was just too stupid to see it!

God blessed me with 13 months of direct care for my mom. What a gift! What an honor! What an answer to prayer!

Initially I hurt because I thought it got cut so short. I feel like I failed my mom and let God down. I had gone through an emotional rollercoaster and I was too embarrassed to admit I felt torn into pieces. It was hard for me to accept “I lost my patient.” It was devastating that my “patient” was my mom.

I use the term patient because my mom had been assigned a nurse by the name of Nurse Whitney. My kids used to joke and say THE REAL NURSE IS HERE when Whitney would come over but the joy and peace in my moms eyes, the talks we had, the moments we shared, the joys and sorrows, even leading up to the day before passed on, down to the hours and minutes before she began her transition- my mom allowed me to render aid to her.

We had come a mighty long way!

I remembered the first time in the hospital after my moms surgery I WAS SO SCARED! Her trachea needed suctioning and she was downright against me coming any way near her but I prayed a quick prayer and said, “Lord help me!” God removed the fear and replaced it with His peace like only He can give. I gave my mom a stern look and told her I’m going to do this and there is nothing you can do about it- just trust me. And so she did!

In that moment God started a new thing! My mom and I had a deeper relationship now- she trusted me! After that we became attached to the hip. Literally! As time went on my mom had gained a dependency on me and my dependency on God deepened. I needed Him for strength, I needed Him for guidance, I needed Him for comfort!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

Going back to the title of today’s message Shattered but not broken it was so hard for me to write the above sentences. It literally took almost an hour just to write those paragraphs but now it feels so good to release all of that. The Potter (God) has been picking up my shattered pieces and He is mending me and putting my family and I back together again with each new day!

I’ve been silent and mourning the loss of my mom in my own way. I’ve been holding on to feelings of guilt, feelings of sadness, times of joy, times of sorrow, and I’ve held on to way too much for way too long. Truth be told after all this writing I have done for years I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to let you see my tears on paper. God has been loving on me tenderly and He has brought so much peace to me. Peace that was always there. Unlimited resources that I’ve tapped in to but had to keep to myself.

Now God is telling me to stop being selfish and get back to sharing a word of encouragement. So here we are. God placed it on my heart to speak to those who are broken hearted, those who may be broken in spirit, mentally struggling, physically tired, etc. that God loves us and He cares. The Lord told me to tell you to cast your cares on Him!

You see God sees our struggles, He knows all about them, and trust me HE CARES!

God saw me holding on to so much. He saw my load getting heavy. He knew that a big part of my healing comes through writing to help encourage others so He set me up for a parent session last night at Koinonia summer camp. He spoke so freely through a young, black single mother of six. Her beauty, her vulnerability, her openness, her free-spirit, her freedom was simply amazing. It left me speechless. It provided me with so much motivation and it inspired me to share with you today.

The same way God used that beautiful soul to speak life into me God wants to USE YOU to help someone in your path.

Speaking from experience being broken hearted makes you feel alone but don’t you know that God never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is with us in the valley and on the mountaintop. He is there through death, loss, adversities, struggles, trials, tribulations, or whatever it is. He is there! All we have to do again, is bring our cares to Him.

Things may come that hurt us but they aren’t meant to destroy us. Don’t loose sight and don’t loose hope. God knows and He cares. The Bible tells us Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to give you hope and a future.’

We can’t do this thing called life in our own. We need Him and we need each other. I thank God for each of you who have prayed for our bereaving family. We all suffered a great loss when God called my mom home but Heaven gained a true Angel and I bless God for giving me my Angel on Earth. She will forever be missed but a shining star in the sky and a lady bug in my home.

God is wiping our tears. God is our refuge and our strength. He is an ever present help in trouble.

Are you in trouble? Is someone you know in trouble? God is fighting the good fight for us and we must continue to fight with faith.

Whatever may be hurting you or hurt you in the past like Donald Lawrence said, “Release, this is your Exodus.” Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Glory be to God. We bless your name God for blessing us with a brand new day. We praise your Holy name Lord for not keeping count of our mistakes. We count it all to joy that You our strength, and you help us through everything we are facing. Thank you Lord for your peace and comfort and for the joy of not feeling defeated. Thank you for healing our heart today Jesus. Thank you for the joy that came with Your sweet rest. Thank you for your protection dear Heavenly Father.

I’ll leave you with John 14:27:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give it to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27