Whitnee's journey with Christ

When I was a little girl I struggled with self esteem issues. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t like what I saw. I saw a girl or according to some people “a little fat girl” that had a gap, uneven skin tone, fat arms, big legs, small breasts, wide feet, hairy legs, and the list went on. I don’t honestly recall ever saying anything nice or remotely close to beautiful.

If only I knew at the time that beauty is not just skin deep. Of course my mom and dad called me pretty but they are my parents, they “have” to call me pretty because I’m their child. I just thought they didn’t want me to be sad but no matter how beautiful they said I was, I never believed it.

I remembered in elementary school going to middle school looking at the girls and women on television and the girls in the magazine and piecing the “perfect woman” together. The “perfect woman” in my eyes at the time:

• White, light, or very fair skinned
• Petite or slender stature
• Gorgeous “flowy” hair
• Pearly white teeth
• Long legs
• NO STRETCH MARKS
• dimples “not a must”
• And the list goes on…

I admit, I had it bad y’all! I mean I wanted Pamela Anderson’s complexion, Salma Hayek’s body, Jennifer Lopez’s butt, Cindy Crawford’s beauty mark, Whitney Houston’s voice. I was so insecure because every girl on television and the magazines didn’t look like me. It was devastating.

When I got in high school and started working I used to go to a dermatologist. The dermatologist prescribed me bleach cream to help with the dark spots and my neck. When I noticed how good it worked I started using it all over my face. I started using it three times a day when it was only recommended in the morning and at night. It’s like I became addicted to changing everything that wasn’t me. I begged my mom for braces because I HATED my gap. I tried not eating to be skinny. But nothing I did seemed to wipe the ugly off of me.

So as you can see I struggled with my appearance for all of childhood and just to be boldly honest the most of my adulthood and sometimes even now. I’ve learned to accept who I am and who God created me to be, but sometimes I’m still not 💯 impressed with who looks back at me in the mirror.

It’s like I didn’t know I was beautiful and believe it until I started reading and digesting God’s word. I never believed that when people called me pretty, beautiful, or any other compliments I may received that they truly meant it, I just thought they were being nice but once I started fully understanding what God was saying about beauty and appearance I started to embrace my curves, my gap, my uneven skin tone, my STRETCH MARKS, my jelly roll (even though I’m going to the gym now baby to get rid of this gut), and everything else God created in His image that I thought was so imperfect, screwed up, and just wrong.

Y’all let me tell you a funny story. So my husband Rico found out after we were together for a while and I could really trust him that I was satisfied with my appearance. So he would always say things to remind me I was beautiful. Originally it was my mindset that he was just being mannish to try to get on my good side as to why he would say those things. And he was just memorized by my gap. I really thought maybe he had been dropped on his head as a child or something lol.

Now here is the funny part. Rico knew I loved reading God’s word so one day in a love letter he quoted scripture from the Book of Song of Solomon. For those of you who don’t know basically it’s a big love story in the Bible.

Rico quoted Song of Solomon chapter 4:1-11

Behold, you are fair, my love!
Behold, you are fair!
You have doves eyes behind your veil.
Your hair is like a flock of goats,
Going down from Mount Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep
Which have come up from the washing,
Every one of which bears twins,
And none is barren among them.
Your lips are like a strand of scarlet,
And your mouth is lovely,
Your temples behind your behl
Are like a piece of pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
Built for an armory.
On which hang a thousand bucklers,
All shields of mighty men.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle,
Which feed among the lillies.
Until the day breaks 
And the shadows flew away,
I will go my way to the mountains of myrrh
And to the hill of frankincense.

You are all fair, my love,
And there is no spot in you.
Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse,
With me from Lebanon.
Look from the top of Amanda,
From the top of Senir and Hermon,
From the lions dens,
From the mountains of the leopards.

You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my spouse;
You have ravished my heart
With one look of your eyes,
With one link of your necklace.
How fair is your love,
My sister, my spouse!
How much better than wine is your love,
And the scent of your perfumes
Than all spices!
Your lips, O my spouse,
Drip as the honeycomb;
Honey and milk are under your tongue;
And the fragrance of your garments
Is like the fragrance of Lebanon. 

I mean what was Rico thinking by writing me this? He knows he has a way of words that just melts my heart but by providing scripture was like the key to my heart. I had never felt so beautiful, so charming, so desirable, so loved in my whole life. I thought to myself my daddy would probably say, “So Whitnee’ all I had to say was your hair is like a flock of goats, and you would have thought you were pretty?”

My daddy was quite the charmer himself! I could tell how my mom would blush when he spoke to her. She would be so mad sometimes but all he had to do was smile and she would turn her frown into a smile. I wonder if he ever read Song of Solomon to my mom? He must of read something or I wouldn’t be here telling my story right now!

Now let’s turn to the current page of what’s going on my mind about beauty. This past Monday I was able to attend my second parents session for the Koinonia Freedom School. If you haven’t heard about this non profit that is doing BIG THINGS in Columbia, get your head from under the rock and check them out at www.koinoniaofColumbia.org. I’m one of the proud Board Members and one of the co-founders describes Song of Solomon to a “T” she is all together wonderful and beautiful inside and out. It’s because of her love for folks and her ability to allow God to use her and love others through her that brings me to this next point.

There were about 6 or 7 or maybe 8 beautiful women, 2 handsome men, and a handful of beautiful children who attended the meeting on this past Monday. But I just have to highlight 4 of them for the sake of today’s message. These 4 ladies inspired me to dig deep and were the inspiration behind the title Unapologetically Beautiful. They are just so beautiful inside and out they can’t help themselves. I mean God was showing out when he created them! Do your thing God!

I’m a proud member of the Koinonia Women’s Support Group and due to covid and out of an abundance of caution we haven’t met in person for over a year. We’ve down zoom and some of us have met one on one but we didn’t gather as a group for over a year so when 6 of us were under one roof I felt like shouting, I felt like dancing, I felt like praising, and I felt like hugging. I didn’t dance, don’t recall shouting, but I praised and thanked God for this small reunion, and I sure snug in a hug or two and one huge squeeze from a lady I never met in person but had grown to love over Thursday night zooms.

These beautiful women of Christ didn’t look like the girls and women on the television when I was growing up either but thank God that He took the ignorant blinders off of me because I would not have seen their outward beauty as they glisten and shine brighter than diamonds. And I mean their inner beauty would make any man who has the sense God gave them to drop on one knee and ask for their hands in marriage. 3 of them are married (so fellas back off they are spoken for) but one beauty isn’t and I were an unmarried man, “I’d wife her!”

Earlier that day I was in my feelings over some things and God allowed us to cross paths for many reasons. Some of the reasons have remained unknown until maybe they read this post.

One beautiful woman talked to me outside and asked she shared and I shared I saw the grace of God in her eyes, I saw the beauty of God’s wonderful creation on her beautiful brown skin, and I saw His joy from her body language. The second beautiful woman I encountered that night had inspired me to write my last post because her boldness and love of God radiates in who she is and it is simply contagious. Her smile, her stride, her poise is simply amazing! Then this brings me to the next beauty whom I’d never gotten the chance to meet in person but spoke to via text, read her phenomenal writings, and recently grieved with her over the lost of her father but celebrated her accomplishment of publishing her first coloring book and the other things God is doing in her life. And I mean I saw her beauty on the screen but seeing her in person showed just how truly beautiful she really is inside and out with a flower sitting so perfectly in her hair. Then it brings me to the last but not least beautiful woman of this particular day: y’all when I tell you her smile would light the Grand Canyon. I’ve never seen a smile more beautiful in my whole entire life! And her voice, she sings like an angel. She writes, cooks, loves, mentors, leads, you name it! These chicks got it going on!!!!

You see I just described the God in these women. Yes they are very attractive but their real beauty is simple, they are God’s beloved child. They are my sisters in Christ and together we celebrate God and His perfect creation of man. We celebrate all of God’s Beloved children. And guess what? Those reading today’s word are one of God’s Blessed and Beloved children. You were wonderfully made.

Today I was to shout out God and thank Him for creating EACH OF YOU! I have to take the time to say “thank you Lord!” Thank you Lord for creating man in Your image and for giving us each our own purpose in this life. Lord if someone is struggling today to see their purpose or to see Your beauty in their pretty or handsome self Lord we just pause right now to pray and ask you for your help. So right now I ask that you take a brief moment and pray for your neighbor, pray for your family, your friend, or maybe even yourself who may have not found their purpose or know that they or you are beautiful!

God has placed so many wonderful people in my life and I give God all the honor and the glory! I praise His Holy name! There is none like you Lord! Nobody greater! Oh I magnify you Lord! I praise you Lord! I LOVE YOU LORD! Oh it’s 4 in the morning right now as I come to an ending in a few short paragraphs but I gotta shout, I have to dance, I have to stomp, I’ve got to cry tears of joy, oh I’ve got to tell someone the Good News! You see God has been so good to me! He has been SO GOOD TO ME!

When I thought my life is over God told me the best is yet to come! When I thought no one loved me God showed me His love and the love of others! When I thought I was useless God showed me my purpose! When I thought I was ugly, God provided His word! Oh with tears in my eyes right now I cry out THANK YOU LORD! For every mountain your brought me over, for every valley, for every trial, for every joy, for every sorrow, for ever disappointment, for every accomplishment, for the death of my sweet momma and daddy, but more so for the life they lived and the legacy they left behind LORD I THANK YOU!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!! Oh GLORY BE TO GOD! OH HEAVENLY FATHER I BLESS YOUR NAME GOD!!!! GLLOORRRRRYYYYYYYYY HHHALLLLLELLLUUJJAHHHAHHHH!!!!!!!

Y’all excuse me like Uncle Kent said I felt a need and a shout and a praise that came over my body. God brought tears to cleanse my brokenness this morning. Let me tell you another way God used YOU to bless me.

He gave me friends and family and associates that know Him! That love Him just as much as I do!

The day my mom passed I was so heartbroken. I didn’t want to eat but God sent Ojetta and Ms Dot to make me eat some good ole fashion KFC chicken and sides. You know when someone dies in a black family people love being chicken. He I’m black and I love chicken lol! (NOT ALL BLACK FOLKS EAT CHICKEN NOW SO DON’T BELIEVE THE STEREOTYPE). Later on that evening depression tried to creep in and Faith brought crab legs. The “fat girl” came out and I couldn’t resist!

Then last night I was talking to Jasmine and Emmanuel asked me why he got so chubby so quickly. I replied because during the pandemic we had to keep you safe and we really had to make sure to keep you know who safe. William replied, “Grandma!”, with excitement in his voice. Emmanuel then said, “well mom if we had to keep grandma safe, didn’t grandma pass away?” I had a quick come back and I made sure to answer his question in a tactful way but I quickly had to excuse myself.

I ran to one of my prayer closets and balled out. I was still on the phone with Jasmine and I just had to tell her how sorry I felt. I started to get overwhelmed and felt like a failure all over again. BUT GOD! God gave Jasmine the perfect words to help restore the peace the devil tried to steal from me. I had to rebuke the devil. You see earlier I had gone to probate court to begin the process of opening my moms estate and it has caused so much anxiety lately.

I’ve had so much pinned up after my moms passing so I’m so grateful for people like YOU and all the BEAUTIFUL memories I have of EACH OF YOU! Whether it be a laugh, a kind word, a kind gesture, word of encouragement, scripture, prayer, text, phone call, or whatever that reminds me to KEEP ON KEEPING ON! I’m not the only one who lost a parent, well both parents now, and I’m not the only one grieving in one way or another BUT IM ALSO NOT ALONE!

I might not communicate like I used to, I might not text daily like I used to, and I might not write or post as much but that doesn’t mean I love God or you any least. I’m taking the much needed time for God to love on me. Don’t ever give up on God because I’m crying out God WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU!

So if you don’t remember anything else out of today’s message know you are a Beloved Child of God! You are Beautiful no matter what people say! Your life matters! Your voice matters! YOU MATTER! And you ARE LOVED! I love you and so does God!

I want to leave you with a few scriptures today for you to read in your leisure. Someone you know may be struggling and needs to hear a word from God- it’s not necessarily just a child that can suffer from society’s stigma of appearance or the preconceived notion of beauty, but you lot of grown folks young and old still tragically unaware. Let’s go to God at this time:

• Psalm 139:14
• 1 Samuel 16:7
• Proverbs 31
• 1 Peter 3:3-4
• 1 Timothy 4:8
• Song of Solomon 4
• Ecclesiastes 3:11
• Genesis 1:27
• Isaiah 52

We were all created in the image of God. We are God’s masterpiece! Post positive affirmations in your bathroom, in your car, in your office, in the man cave, in your kids room so they know the Beloved being they are- that YOU ARE. God is looking at our hearts. Yes you might fine and all on the outside but ugly as dirt on the inside- time for a self assessment. What’s in your inventory that you carrying around (negativity, hate, envy, jealousy, holding a grudge)- it’s baggage time to repent and start over.

I’m going to the gym not just to work on myself health wise but to get back in shape spiritually. I’ve been a mess y’all! Are you a mess or just getting out of the rut yourself? No worries, God sees and He is working in and through you! Don’t take what you are going through, have gone through, or will go through in vain. It has a purpose/ God has a purpose because what you’ve gone through someone is facing today or tomorrow and God wants us to use that to light the path to Him for someone else. Help encourage each other to see God’s version of beauty. Help your daughters know it’s not about the bra size or the booty that a boy or real man cares about- it’s not about the Prada or Gucci that matters- it’s not even about the make up we were to mask the pain or “perfect or improve” God’s already perfect and unique creation- beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And my HOLDER says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful…”