Whitnee's journey with Christ

My family and I were blessed to be able to attend worship service in person yesterday. Although I attend service online, there is a certain richness and connection I feel when I worship in person. God knew where I needed to be on yesterday and I bless His Holy name. Not only was the message spot on but the children’s sermon, Sunday school lesson, fellowship, and songs of praise blessed my soul. It truly was the best way to start of a brand new week after having such a mentally, physically, and spiritually tough week on last week. It got me in to gear when I truly just wanted to give up.

Over the past couple of Sundays I’ve been blessed to join a group of Bible scholars and others who are well knowledgeable in the Bible on every Wednesday night and we have recently been discussing the end times. In saying that I have studied now more than ever the Book of Revelations. Although today’s message was not about the end times, I thank God that what I have been learning and receiving through studying God’s word; it has prepared my heart for Sunday morning worship services message.

The message came from Revelation 3:71-13. The man of God spoke on Philadelphia: The Faithful Church.

Out of the seven churches, I pray to always try my best to exhibit the attributes of the faithful church no matter how hard things get or tough times may seem.

The honest truth is I have fallen short. I’ve found myself in the wilderness not knowing my right from left, my up from down, not being able to distinguish night from day, rain from sunshine. I’ve had days when I could barely get out of bed because grief had stricken my heart. I’ve felt so overwhelmed. At times depression sat in.

It was by God’s Grace alone that has kept me going. At times the pain, grief, mental anguish was so heavy that I didn’t even feel like fighting for the ones who God granted me the privilege of guardianship as their mother. I’ll tell you at times I thought they would be better off without me. Yes I’ll admit that because I’m not ashamed to tell you just how low down and sorry I’ve felt at times- and the ones reading today’s message be honest with themselves they may could possibly relate in one way or another.

God’s Grace kept me going. It was by His strength and His strength alone that gave me hope. My hope never died even when my mind told me to give up. God’s promises were the very foundation that pushed me to not give up and push me right now to never get up. I’ll admit, it’s tough sometimes. I don’t want to go to hell because I can’t stand the hell I’m going through right now.

Not wanting to be a “negative Nancy” or a “Debbie downer” I’ve kept so much in and it hasn’t been good for me mentally. To be honest in order for me not to be one of those folks in the lukewarm or even the dead church I had to write today’s message. I normally write to encourage others, but can I be selfish for just a moment and say some words to try an encourage myself?

You see I was listening to Kurt Carr’s song entitled “I Almost Let Go” and as I listened to it on repeat I felt God telling me to share my story and not be ashamed but to show the courage and the strength of Mandie, Barbara, Kelly, Faith, and Anna. God told me to be blunt and straight forward like Mr. Ray, Patrick and Matt. He said be real and understand like Pastor Steven said “it’s okay to not be okay!”

Things have been rough lately. I’m sure a lot of folks can relate. I’ve focused so much on trying to be a good daughter, wife, mother, sister, cousin, supervisor, friend, aunt, you name it that I forgot what it felt like to take care of Whitnee’. Sure I get my hair and nails done once a month, sure I buy clothes and make sure I’m eating well (says my size 16-18 pants), and all that other good stuff but still there was a hole in my heart.

Many would think it’s because I lost my mom last year but truth be told I’ve grieving before my mom passed away. I was running and trying to suppress feelings and pretend that everything was going to be alright like Dave said, but in my heart I didn’t believe it. My priorities were all wronged and I made myself busy but haven’t really taken the time to just be. I haven’t taken the time I need for me. Being a wife for 14 years, a mother for 13, a full time employee since 19 and the list of responsibilities go on, I can’t remember the last time I did what was best for Whitnee’.

I’ve always done things and put others first because that’s how I was raised and I never realized just how important it is to make sure self is okay as well. Not until my mental health started to be challenged. All I knew is like what Kirk Franklin said “no matter what may come my way, my life is in His hands.”

While I “air my dirty laundry” I feel like a weight is being lifted off of me. I guess I’ve tormented myself about how people would view me as weak, a coward, or a quitter BUT by reading my own words and thinking at all the tests and mess and hell I’ve been through over the last 3 years I can honestly jump up (if this fat knee of mine wouldn’t give out lol) and shout glory hallelujah.

I’m seeing how God has kept me on this course and though it’s been rough; it’s been equally rewarding. I say that because I’ve not given up but even when I wanted to quit the fighter spirit in me said, “Whitnee’ your race is not over, you got this,keep pushing, keep preserving…”

I’m learning how to be my own cheerleader. I’ve tried my whole life to encourage other people and to help them see their worth while this whole time I’ve failed to do it for myself. It has nothing to do with low self esteem, hormone issues, or other negative things people say but this has been a huge life lesson.

It took me loosing my father, then my mother, almost loosing my family, and most recently feeling like I lost my dern mind to realize what I’ve trying to speak into other people: I am God’s beloved, I am uniquely made, I am special, I am one of God’s masterpieces, I AM LOVED!

Something in the message gave me a boost of confidence. Hearing the man of God say “Be Faithful and know that God sees your faithfulness”, and listening to how he so beautifully broke down Rev. 3:7-13 and then Barbara reflecting on Isaiah 43:16-. It was an eye opener. It was a huge awakening. I finally understand why it is good to show yourself Grace.

You see I want to receive that crown like Revelation 3:11 talks about. Knowing that God does not put more on us than we can bear and realizing I am one of His beloved it helps me to reestablish my faith. It helps me to deepen my relationship with Christ. It helps me recommit myself to His will. It has and is helping me to step aside and get out of my own way.

My way of thinking has been off but I needed that message to set me straight to help me shake this devil off.

1 Peter 5:8-9 reads: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.

I know today’s message might not really make sense or have a clear direction- but it makes so much sense to me.

My hope is that by me sharing my story you will learn to be more willing to cast your cares and worry upon God. Relinquish control over your life- allow God to fight your battles. Know that nothing we go through is in vain, everything we go through has a purpose, having that intimate relationship with Christ and believing in His promises you will allow Him and His power to dwell in you so you can be the person He created you to be.

Like Mandie said, “There is a message out of this mess.”

We have to keep fighting and keep pushing towards the prize until we reach the crown that has been laid up for us.

God sees us hurting, He knows we get weary, He sees our tears, our hurt, and our pain. God cares! We have to trust Him and give it to Him. We have to find shelter in Him. Find Peace in His word and reassurance from His promise. God is faithful, God is just, God never fails. Go to God if you need rest, Go to Him with a humble heart. Oh I bless God for allowing His word to minister to me in such a tangible way.

I pray out of today’s message you were able to take away at least one thing and that like myself you see the importance of self love, being patient with yourself, extending grace to yourself, and just trust God through it all!