Whitnee's journey with Christ

It didn’t dawn on me until I saw the terrified look in my boys eyes once the doctor told me that I tested positive for covid, that I realized I was in such a dark space. I had been running from the inevitable for the last 9 months and I had run out of options. I felt the walls closing in on me and I had no where to run, no where to hide, all I could do is surrender. I’d never felt so alone in my life. This time the feeling of being alone was dreadful. Never in a million years did I think being alone in my thoughts would bring so much pain. Never did I think it would bring such darkness and fill my head with such negative thoughts. I was drowning in my own thoughts. Even suffocating maybe!

I had been reading a book I got from the library to help me process some feelings I had been having as it associates with the loss of my mom. The book helped but for some reason I totally lost interest in it. It said all the right things but it’s like nothing filled the emptiness that I felt. Nothing could fill the hole deep inside. No one could fill my moms shoes.

Sure I knew that death was not the end of my mom. Sure I knew God healed her and rid her body of that bastard called cancer. Sure I knew that she was reunited with my daddy, my sister, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles…but it still didn’t stop me from missing her every second of the day. The problem was I kept all this to myself. I didn’t talk about it much and being in a bad place mentally I couldn’t pull myself to write. Every time I started to write there was a distraction, shame would take over, guilt, and most recently fear.

I was afraid of what the reader would think of me. I was afraid to disappoint those who thought I was strong. I was afraid to have folks judge my level of commitment to Christ or question my faith. I was afraid to have my vulnerability or transparency walked all over like my feelings didn’t matter. I was afraid to share the very things that I’ve shared with people over the last several years because this pain I felt, this emptiness- it was still fresh. Normally I could write to try to encourage but this time it was different. I was trapped in my feelings and I was drowning.

Over the last several months I had grown an unhealthy dependence on Rico. I was so insecure and unaware of how unstable I was mentally that I depended on him to help bandage up my mental wounds until I pushed him away and he was no longer able to fill the void. Truth be told, he could never replace what I lost, but a part of me believed he could and wanted so desperately for it to be true.

A late night argument showed me just how wrong I was. You see most married folks don’t take the time to share the bad and ugly parts as a way to encourage folks. They mostly just share the good stuff. But it’s the good, the bad, and the ugly that help that genuine love come into play and help folks develop that unbreakable bond.

While I was grieving the loss of my mom I began to shut everyone who loved me out- to include my beloved Rico. I was hurting emotionally and instead of reaching out to solicit help I put up walls, I distanced myself, I hid, I began to emotionally attack the one person who rode with me since day one.

Reading these words one might think I’m a monster. One might say I needed a shrink. One may ask where is my faith. But today’s message is not for you or anyone else in that nature to pass judgment on me or the choices that I’ve made, it’s to help encourage someone who maybe in a season of grief themselves and need help to hold onto hope.

You see I had gotten to a point where I could care less if I lived or died. I didn’t know my purpose. I lost my way. I couldn’t see how I added value to anyone’s life. I couldn’t feel how much people cared about me and still loved me even though I’ve been a mess. I couldn’t see all I had to loose because all I knew is I was missing my mommy and daddy and I could never see them and I longed for their touch, I longed to see their faces, I longed to hold my moms hand, oh how I longed to hug my daddy. I missed them so much I was ready to join them.

Or so I thought….

Then came Wednesday morning.

On yesterday I had been feeling a little bad and had to contact the Employee Health nurse at my job. She told me if my symptoms got worse then I needed to go see a doc. My doc was booked until after the New Year and the lines for rapid covid tests were miles long on my side of town. I didn’t want to put it off because what had started off as a mild cough turned into chills, body aches, stomach pain, chest pains, shortness of breath when lying down, congestion, and a headache.

After sitting in Urgent Care for almost three hours with hungry, antsy, irritated boys, I never would have thought the doc coming in to tell me I had covid would be such an eye opener.

Before the doc said those words I was questioning everything. My looks, my heart, my mind, my faith, my intelligence, my ability to be a wife, my parenting skills, if I were a good friend, a good supervisor, I mean I was questioning everything. I didn’t see how the enemy made me out to be a foolish person and I was so caught up in misery and my own high expectations I didn’t stop to ask God for the enemy to flee from me. Sure I had prayed but I needed to continue to pray without ceasing.

I’ve always been good at helping others, praying fervently for others, pouring into others, but often neglected myself. I didn’t cater to my own needs at all. I didn’t realize self care wasn’t just about getting my nails done every three weeks, keeping a fresh new hairstyle, clean clothes, etc. I didn’t realize how much it was needed, how much I longed for it. I didn’t realize that out of all the patience I had with other people I had none for myself. I had become my biggest enemy. I had become toxic mentally and it was draining life as I knew it from the grips of my very own hands.

But going back to the doctor saying “mom you have covid.” It’s like the world stopped. The time stood still. All those thoughts of not caring about living or dying, all those times I failed to give myself some grace, or to love Whitnee’ and allow myself to be human for a change and not a robot that can just turn her emotions of….that all came to a screeching halt.

I found hope in my children’s tears. I found hope when I felt the most helpless and vulnerable. I saw God and felt His Grace and I asked God for a second chance.

But it didn’t stop there. That night I had laid down after tossing and turning and once I thought I was in a comfortable position, I started having chest pains. I couldn’t catch my breath. My oxygen level had gone down to 76%, I felt myself begin to panic. In that moment I took the oxygen oximeter from my finger and I began to pray. I began to plead the blood of Jesus and call out Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I couldn’t do anything besides say “help me Lord, don’t give up on me, cause I won’t give up on you.” I began to cry and then I felt God’s warm embrace. I calmed down because I felt His presence in one of my loneliest hours. Knowing that I would be in quarantine for the next 10 days I was going stir crazy missing my Rico and missing my babies. In that moment I gave God my all; I yielded to His call. He heard my cry. I placed the oxygen oximeter back on and watched it get to 94% before I felt more confident and didn’t think I needed to head to the ER like the doctor instructed. I knew I wasn’t dying today, I had to live to tell this story.

No longer did I want to entertain thoughts of death (let me clarify one thing I never had suicidal thoughts or attempted to commit Suicide- I merely didn’t care if I lived or died), no longer did I want to push Rico and others away by my negative antics, no longer did I look to others to verify who I am or where my place was in life…in that moment I was sure of why I must continue to run this race. My babies was one reason. But truth be told, in my mind I felt in my spirit God was not done with me yet. There was a lot of folks hurting who needed to hear the Good News and those who might have needed to see something positive out of this story I’m sharing tonight.

This story is my life! A life that is far from perfect. A life that has many scars and bruises. But it is a life that knows pain and grief and is taking those two things by the ears and riding on a new wave. Sure I will continue to be tested. But I will live my life with purpose. I will live my life for Christ. I will live my life with my head held high. I will be unapologetic in my writing. I will love harder, laugh longer, and trust God with my every being. My life is far from over, ITS JUST BEGINNING!

“Any time you make a commitment to something, it will be tested.”

John Maxwell

Here are some take aways I pray you received from today’s message:
- Read Romans 8:18-30 (with focus on verses 18, 24-26, 28, 39)
- In life we will have struggles, we will suffer losses, we will experience pain. The Bible never said we wouldn’t have suffering or difficulties, but we must keep the faith. 
- There is a reason for everything under the sun. It look covid for me to wake up and see the bad path I was heading. I was headed towards the point of no return. 
- Show yourself Grace when you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Never have a set time when you should “just get over it” but allow yourself to mourn as long as you need to.
- Continue to live and honor that persons legacy in the way you live and the way you love.
- Never loose sight of God.
- Never forget whose you are and whom you belong to no matter how worthless the enemy makes you feel. 
- Remember you are loved.
- Remember you are special and uniquely made.
- Remember your thoughts and opinions matter.
- Always trust in God no matter what things look like or how things may seem. Always trust Him and His ways.
- Be patient with yourself.
- Love yourself and your imperfections.
- Remember in Christ nothing can triumph over God, He always win! So stay on the winning team.
- Never be ashamed to talk to someone if you are having suicidal thoughts or ideations.
- Don’t shut out the people who love you. 
- Harbor self love. Embrace self sometimes. Don’t depend on others to validate who you are.
- Be optimistic.
- Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
- True love dwells within.
- Never run from the person staring back at you in the mirror. 

You’ve made it to the end of today’s long read. Thank you for joining me on my journey in Christ today. Today’s message is filled with a lot of emotion and I’ve uncovered things I’ve been ashamed to share but I have no fear or no doubt that there is maybe one or two persons reading today’s message who may be lost in their thoughts and may have needed to hear my truths. I’m not perfect nor do I strive to be. I was not attracted to who I was and started to not be able to recognize who I was becoming, I was trying to be “tough on the outside” and growing uglier on the inside. Not putting myself down, I’m speaking real talk. Thank God that no weapon formed against me prospered. YOU TRIED IT DEVIL AND YOU GOT SHUT DOWN.

Never thought it would have taken covid and my kids crying wondering if they would lose their mom for me to snap out of it. Lord thank you God for delivering me out of the hands of the enemy. I can no longer fake it to I make it. This is the real me- and I love it! Flaws and all I love me some me…and I don’t need no one to tell me who I am…I am God’s Beloved Daughter!

If you or anyone you know may be experiencing suicidal thoughts or have suicidal ideations, don’t be afraid to seek help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 and can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. 

Help save a life today. It may just be your own.